Survivor stories

 Hello.  My name is Jenny and Zach is my son who struggles with mental health. I am also a cousin to Nycole.  I asked my son if I could share his story and he said he didn’t care.  So, when he was 15 he really had a rough time at school and friends abandoned him.  One night he came into my room and woke me up and said I need help mom.  I just had a knife up to my neck. I said what can I do what do u want to do? So, I took him to the er.  He talked to the social worker there and I stayed with him.  They decided he needed to go to the behavior center.  I was terrified because I didn’t know what to do or how to help.  He was there for a week, and it killed me because we couldn’t talk every day. So, he comes home, and he was better but then fell into psychosis again and I took him back and he was there for five days. 
   He came home and I was trying not to hover, but we got him into a wonderful counselor.  Then she leaves. He gets another one and it’s just not the same.  There is so much to tell but I don’t know how to go about it. He is 19 and he is not in a good state.  I always have in the back of my mind. Is today going to be the day I lose my son? He does have a job but otherwise he stays in his room and is withdrawn.  It’s so hard because he is an adult.  I have no say.  Nycole has been great, and I think I am going to call 988 and talk with someone who can help ease my mind.  I am going to a walk for suicide awareness next month.  Thank you for listening.  I just don’t want to bother people. 

Hello my name is Valerie. I'm a survivor. I survived self-mutilation, overdose, sexual abuse as a child, and my 21 year old daughter being murdered. I grew up in a very broken home. I never knew what mental illness was until after I was taken from the home. I fought with the demons for so many years, most of the time through self-medicating. I never healed. Skip some years ahead. I'm still accepting the abuse, but this time from the father of my children. I did not know what it was doing to my children. Mattie was my miracle baby. The same mental illnesses I suffered from–depression and bad co-dependency– were also showing up in her. I didn't see it until it was too late. My daughter tried to take her life, but she was brought back to me. She started using just like I once had. Mattie chose to be with someone who was toxic and abusive. He took her life 4 years ago. Gone. She was gone. My depression got worse. I started withdrawing from everyone. Then Covid took my mother just 2 months later. I had panic attacks so bad that I couldn’t leave the house. I was a zombie. Finally, an amazing lady pushed me to get help. Now I am not embarrassed to say I have a mental illness. Some days are very hard, but I can finally see the other side. Mattie motivates me to live. I still miss her more than life, but I'm learning to ask for help, to speak about my pain, to survive. 

 In honor of National Suicide Prevention Awareness month, I wanted to share my journey. I have been battling my depression for a couple years now and at times it has been difficult, but I am strong and have bounced back. There have been a couple times in my life where I wanted to end it all. The pain was worse than the good most days. But I am glad I can say I beat that. I am stronger than taking that option, the easy way out. I am so thankful for my family who have kept me here and helped me. I am thankful for my friends for sticking by my side. Maybe this post will shock you but I’m here to say that a lot more people are battling with depression than you think. So please just be kind, because you don’t know what someone is battling on their own. If you are battling with depression yourself, my advice to you is keep fighting. You got this. You are stronger than you think, you are worthy, and you are beautiful. Please keep fighting, don’t give up. I am so glad I didn’t choose to end my life and I hope maybe this can reach someone in need of hearing what I have said. 

October 10, 2020 (the day this pic was taken) seemed like a normal day for most, but for me it was deciding whether I wanted to live or die. From the age of 16 I have struggled with severe depression disorder and after all life’s ups and downs I had made a decision that I didn’t want to live but I couldn’t let my family go through that grief as I have witnessed first hand how terrible it can be. I decided to talk to my mother Tammy Yaeger and a close friend Angie Smith Wallace and told them that I needed help. The medication wasn’t enough. Therefore, that day I was put into a psychiatric hospital in Columbia, MO. The experience was rough, but eye opening and there I realized I wasn’t alone. I made multiple friends who struggle with the same issues as me and more. I spent a week there in the hospital learning and talking to doctors about my mental health. Shortly after, I started seeing a GREAT doctor in Cameron, MO named Dr. Geno. He had recently moved his practice from Brookfield to Cameron. He sat down with me and talked to me about all that I was feeling and put me on multiple different medications until we found the right one the was perfect for me. This process was rough and I felt defeated at times, but I kept on going. Today, I am doing SO much better. Mental health is a longggg road and journey to go through. I spent a year trying different medications to see which one best fit me. With the help of family, friends, and the wonderful Dr. Geno I now feel depression free most days! I guess what this post is trying to say is that you’re not alone. I have my story, and so many others have theirs as well. Don’t let your story end. Keep striving and get the help you deserve. If you don’t know where to start like I kinda was, Moms Breaking the Silence would be a great place to get resources and information. If you ever need someone to talk to, I am here! Never make permanent decisions based on temporary feelings.